what now?
I feel pretty lonely right now. All of my friends are off w/ their significant others tonite, and I'm here, feeling sorry for myself, wishing I wasnt so ugly and unlovable. Or at least so complicated.
I just wish I could find someone. Someone who I felt comfortable with, someone who would actually accept me for everything. The scars mostly. Someone who I wouldn't feel the need to lie to.
But when I start wishing for all this in a guy, I realize that I am asking too much. I'm so fucking selfish. I want someone who will treat me like I'm normal or something, and honestly, I'M NOT.
And this brings me back to my earlier dilema. Any guy I end up falling for will have to accept all the scars. There's no hiding them. But if I confide in him too early, then I'll lose him before I even had him. Too late, and I'll lose him after I've already grown attached. So I try to develop a radar for guys who seem sensitive and understanding. But inevitably, it'll pick up every gay guy on the map, and leave the rest out right?
I've pretty much screwed any chance of a normal dating life. Messing around with guys was so much simpler before this. But when me and Scott were making out that night, anytime his hands went near my scars, I would stop them. Talk about a mood killer. It was usually pretty discreet, and probably a good thing, because at least this dilema will keep bad-for-me guys out of my pants (thats a little blunt but oh well). But sometimes I didnt want to stop him.
Ugh, I'm going to stop this entry, because all its turned into is a rant about my sexual frustrations.